|
Spring
2003
Spring Fashion
Show
 A
Natural Parody by Don Parker
As temperatures soared into the
50s and the Midwest slowly regained feeling in its collective
toes, the 10,211th Annual Spring Fashion Show opened to
rave reviews across Chicago Wilderness.
Worldwide designer Evo Lushin arrived in his trademark
thick-rimmed glasses, teased hair, and pretentious I-molded-all-life-what-did-you-do?
accent. Inspired by a traumatic childhood incident the designer
refers to as "the Big Bang," Lushin's style has
been called "organic" and "natural."
He is responsible for millions of creations, including butterflies,
birds, and the post-punk skunk cabbage. Lushin says he has
remained so popular because he sticks with the classics,
making only slight alterations over millennia. "Plus,"
he adds, "my outfits keep some of my models from being
eaten — and get them dates at the same time —
which is more than Tommy Hilfiger can say."
Amidst widespread anticipation, Lushin
rolled out his Spring Migrant Collection. The line features
birds from exotic locales that rest in Chicago Wilderness
on their way from fun and sun in the south to wild breeding
parties up north. "The collection actually does migrate,"
he lamented. "Very unfortunate. I put so much work
into it, and then it just flies away. So sad. And yet, it
has extended my fan base from Argentina to Hudson Bay."
One of Lushin's most colorful migrants, the male indigo
bunting, stunned spectators with what commentators reverently
call The Extreme Blueness.
Returning in this year's plant line
— billed as Outrageous and Herbaceous — are the
near-magical "perennial bloom gowns." The garments
outfit Illinois, Indiana, and Wisconsin stems year after
year with exciting hues. Lushin is unfazed by complaints
that his creations "get brown and withered" once
a year. "As anyone worth his inflorescence can tell
you," he countered, "droopy and drab was in this
winter."
From the depths of thawed soil, the
showy lady's slipper, a rare and celestial orchid of this
region, made a grand entrance. Lushin had spent the winter
searching for the perfect lady to wear his solitary slipper,
only to determine that none met his exacting standards:
for showiness, being ladylike, being five inches tall, and
having only one leg.
Minutes later, the show hit another
snag. "My lupines are incomplete without my Karner
blue butterfly caterpillars!" howled a protective Lushin
from offstage, "and the Karner blue will settle for
nothing less than lupine!
"Please, people, where are my caterpillars?!"
he screamed toward a sunning calico pennant dragonfly, who
responded forcefully with continued sunning. "My butterflies
must be ready for summer — everyone knows Karner blue
is the new black!"
Oblivious to Lushin's tirades, downy
phlox, in a sexy lavender, and hoary puccoon, brightly attired
in yellow, swayed peacefully with the lupine in a warm afternoon
breeze on Illinois Beach State Park's high-quality prairie.
Not far away, a birdsfoot violet unfurled
its flowers, revealing runways of white scored with purple
stripes. This color scheme tempts pollinating passersby
to get lost in the violet's pollen-drenched tangle of pistils
and stamens. "The bumblebee crowd really digs this
one," said Lushin.
Moving from the prairie to the woodland,
Lushin motioned skyward. "My gray treefrog is living
proof that what you wear under it all is vitally important.
Those lovely yellow inner thighs distract predators in a
chase. Grrrr...they certainly distract me! Oh yes, I apologize
for this model's apparent inability to pose," added
Lushin. "She is still regaining coordination after
spending the winter in a semi-frozen state. I hope you understand."
After the show, Evo Lushin sat quietly
by a bur oak with his chin in his hands, contemplating life's
larger questions. "If a cerulean warbler migrates through
the open woods and nobody sees her," he pondered, "is
she still ravishing?"
|
